You're invited to my 50th birthday party beginning October 6, 2011

A surprise party! I thought I was throwing my own party via a birthday blog... I found out Jay and Ali had invited friends and family over to surprise me and celebrate.  I was truly surprised and had so much fun seeing everyone and sharing cake and conversation.  I am lucky. Travis gathered all of the decorations and Scott led the Happy Birthday song.  Of course I responded with tears, but I couldn't help it.  Thank you all.

Well, THE day has arrived. My 50^th birthday, and I am so excited!  People have asked me about turning 50 for the past several months, and I had a brainstorm about how I wanted to celebrate.  I decided I wanted to write a blog about any topic I chose.  These topics, links and photos are random and personal…and they are me.

So here’s the deal.  I began writing the posts 50 days before my birthday.  I will share the link to 50 friends after midnight on my 50^th birthday.  And I will keep the blog activated for (you guessed it) 50 days. After November 25, I will put finishing touches on the blog and then have it printed up into a book for myself, and my 50^th birthday party will be over.  

I am thinking that there might be two or three posts that you might want to read, so scroll through and just stop on the titles that interest you.  Do feel free to leave comments if you wish. Or send me photos to add. If any of this blog is a blessing to you, or makes you smile or even makes you cry a bit, then I am pleased. 

I realize I say the weirdest things...

Yes, I realize I say strange stuff.  Or I talk too much. Or I tell a crazy story that's just odd. Or I make obscure connections between what someone just said and what I am thinking. It's true, but it's who I am.  That doesn't mean I am making excuses, and I am so grateful to the many people who listen to me or laugh with me or discuss issues with me.  I also apologize to those who have suffered through any tedious conversation.  Sorry 'bout that.

Just one of my quirky qualities; on good days, I just try to talk less and less to most folks ;-)

These are a few of my favorite things....

My dressing table.

I don't like whiskers on kittens, but I do like raindrops on roses and brown paper packages tied up in string. And I like

1. A cup of steaming coffee - the smell and the taste and the comfort
2. Sunday dinner in my kitchen with all of my kids there
3. The scent Splendor in the Bath in my dressing room
4. The windshield of my car to be really clear and clean
5. White shirts and blouses.  I have 19.  (That is embarrassing but true! I don't think one can ever have too many white shirts.)
6. Quilts instead of comforters
7. My winter pajamas.  I have had them since Ali was born -- and she's about to turn 15.
8. When people call me 'friend' - As in "I am glad to hear from you my friend!"
9. Rock and Roll. And the blues. 
10. Fresh flowers.
11. The cool side of the pillow
12. Guilty by Gucci
13. Foreign films.
14. Food. Especially fresh food. Right this moment cevichi sounds sooooo good.
15. MAC make up and that cool stuff that makes your eyelashes grow longer and thicker

21 Years - that's a long time to be married!

That is a long time to be married, and with some luck and more blessings and determination, I bet we make it another 21 years.

Sometimes it bothers me when I think of all the days I have forgotten - all the quiet but beautiful events in a day that kind of fade away after a year or after 20 years. But I have a few vivid snapshot memories from my wedding day on September 1, 1990.

My first memory is of the early morning when I was getting ready to go to the church. I awakened before Grandmother, and I went into her bathroom so I could take a shower instead of a tub bath. As I showered and contemplated all of the implications of the day, I became overwhelmed. I worried that I wasn't 'marriage material' and that this might be a huge mistake. I worried about guilt because I felt so guilty for being divorced. I worried about Scott and his world changing to include an additional father figure. Well, with all of that thinking I turned into a puddle of tears and was still sniffling when I left the bathroom. I thought Grandmother was still asleep, but she wasn't. She sat up in bed and held her arms out to me. I went and sat on the edge of the bed and just cried like crazy. She didn't ask me to explain or talk - she just started praying. She prayed for me and for my calmness of spirit. She prayed for me to be the wife I wanted to be. She prayed for Jay and his strength and leadership in our new family. She prayed for Scott and for his security and value. She prayed for our future children. She prayed for all the wedding guests, the minister, the organist...She prayed for love and strength to surround us on our wedding day and each day therafter. After the Amen and the hug, I was ready.

My other Sept 1,1990 memories? I remember slipping into the church kitchen to take another peek at my beautiful flowers and finding Jay there. He hugged me and told me that no matter how nervous he was about a wedding that he was NOT nervous about marrying me. He loved me.

I also remember that while my Aunt Mak sang the Prayer of St Francis of Assissi, I cried again. (I can be so sappy.) The tear trickled down my cheek, but Jay and I were facing each other and he touched my cheek and wiped the tears from my face. The 'awe...' was audible from the congregation and we laughed.

I am glad our anniversary occurred during my 50 Days Befor 50 blog so that I could write about it.

These are a few of my (least) favorite things...

As I write this, I have the tune of Julia Andrews singing "These are a few of my favorite things" ringing through my thoughts.  Only catch is that this is a list of my personal least favorite things! 
I don't like:

1. purple or teal
2. radishes
3. Paladian windows in late twentieth century architecture
4. rugs on top of carpet
5. leggings worn with shirts that are too short
6. to brush my teeth before I drink coffee
7. Ratt and (most) Motley Crue
8. super ditzy sounding voices

Helicopter Mom - an underrated talent

Absolutely. I am a helicopter mom, and I think it's ridiculous that some sassy person in student development somewhere coined that term and decided it wasn't cool to hover over your kids.  Hovering comes natural for me, and I love to hover.  It's one of my strengths.

Scott and Jay have been through this Men's Fraternity program, and one of the concepts they discuss (without moms or women present) is the concept of mothers needing to 'hold on loosely' to their children. (Doesn't Foreigner sing that song?) Same point the student development counselors are trying to make.

But I like to hover... I like to know what they're thinking.  I like to give them reminders about stuff they need to do to prepare for a class, to apply for a job, to communicate with a coach, to share with a girlfriend, to write thank you notes. I feel like it's my job to help them develop healthy habits and to remind them to get to church and family dinners on time.  It's my joy in life to advise them about making their own deposits in a timely manner and to remind them to not waste money on fast food and the quick stop.  And as a teacher and recent student myself, I can be a great help to them with homework and studying.

And when they are sick?  Oh yes, I hover the best when they are sick or need to go to routine doctor appointments.  If your eye is red and itchy, you should go to the optometrist immediately.  If allergies are bothering you, then I'll be right there with the Clariton. Losing too much weight?  Weight Gainer shakes with bananas. And heaven forbid that you get hurt, but if you do and it's more than a band aid and monkey blood will fix, I'll be there 24/7 harassing nurses and quizzing doctors.

I'd like to think they could tolerate this hovering since I also hover over their hearts with love and with prayers.  I pray for each of them by name every morning.

Oh well.  My hovering qualities will remain unappreciated, but because I believe in the validity of hovering, I may continue to do so.

It's StephONI

Not Steph.  Not Steffy.  Not Stephane.  Not Stephanie.

Stephoni

It took me a long time to like my name -- now I morethanlikeit -- I love it ;-)

It's tough to like people sometimes

Tough to LIKE people?  Yes, it's true.  There are some people I just don't like, and it's usually because I am getting a subtle vibe of snobbery.  (Is that even a real word?)  Or maybe they are just stubborn or mean.  Or even too perfect, and I am jealous.

I have had experiences where I thought I didn't like someone, and once I had a personal conversation with them, I realized that I liked them and wanted to have conversation and maybe even a friendship.  That's nice when that happens.

But there are a few people that once I have had that conversation I thought to myself, "Stephoni, you were right.  You don't like this person."  Maybe he was too power crazy. Maybe she was judgmental always talking about other people's badness.  Maybe he has a theology that I just can't accept, or maybe she is impossibly shallow and there's just no depth there. Maybe I feel foolish because I am not as cool.  Maybe I am outside of The Circle.

So people I don't like and don't want to be around exist.  The thing I insist upon is keeping those feelings of  dislike quiet and to myself.  And maybe ever so often, give them another chance because it could be my insecurities or narrow-mindedness.

Or maybe not.

Shakespeare Rocks 0r Loving from a Distance

This may not make a difference to anyone else, but I have noticed that sometimes I have a tender heart towards so many people or groups of people that I don't know very well, but I can be critical or judgemental of those closer to me. Why does this matter?  Well, think about this...

I hear the precious stories of my friend's daughter going to Swaziland and working with poor children and orphans in a poverty stricken, AIDS torn land. And it breaks my heart.  I am filled with love and concern for these sweet kids.  I see photos and TV news clips of tatted teenagers rapping vulgar songs, and I grieve for the emptiness I suspect they experience.  I notice elderly people deliberating over the smallest of decisions at the grocery store or questioning their bank teller at the local bank. Or I see couples I don't know rounding up kids to go to the grocery store, church, a ball game or shopping.

I see all of these things, and each one touches my heart. And I think, "Yes, the world keeps going 'round. "  I have a heart of understanding for so many people, and I am so accepting of any eccentricities.  Not only accepting, but entertained.  I love these people.

But I also want to be clear that there is a second group of folks that I trust.  And if I trust you I love you.  This group of people in my life can do little wrong, and I understand their good days and bad days as well as their quirks.

A friend of mine puts a poster out in my HOA message window every couple of weeks, and the most recent one explains this situation for me in a much simpler way than all my words above.  It's not scripture, but maybe it could be?

Love many,
Trust a few,
Do wrong to no one.
~ Shakespeare 

('fix' is my favorite colloquialism)

Like "I'm gonna fix breakfast." Or "I am fixin' to leave."  Or even "That broken table needs fixed."  In fact, I may name my next pet Fix.

CARE - Grassroots education reform

If we truly engage in the challenge of transforming education with the assistance of the technological tools we have invented, then we will have gone a long way toward building a future in which we can all thrive. Our challenge, quite simply, is to use our tools to prepare people for their future, not for our past. ~Thornburg

THE People for Me

Left to right: Clayton Travis, MaryAlice Ruth, Gregory Scott, Jay. Taken on the hottest and happiest day of my year at a Ranger game in August of 2010. I have to respect their privacy and not write gushy notes about my devotion and adoration of them, but I will indulge in the favorite family picture.

Board Member of the HOA - NOT my Divine Calling

Three years and 12 days ago I moved from my home in Woodlawn to a house in Stonebridge.  Even when Ali and I were  sleeping at Don and Jerry's and the boys were sleeping in the motor home in the driveway during the remodel, I knew I was home.  Our first Sunday morning, I walked out the front door and the combination of the moist humid morning, the honeysuckles and Folgers coffee smelled just like my mimi and pawpaw's house in Watervalley, Mississippi.  I was home.  We lived there for 8 years and I was sad to leave.

However, we moved to a beautiful, small neighborhood that I had always admired from a distance. Since we moved just a couple of weeks before school started, I had to unpack and settle in quickly.  As our first few months passed, I thought it would be nice to get involved in the community of the HOA, and on the same day that I defended my dissertation, I was elected as a member of the Board of Directors of the Stonebridge HOA.

Honestly, the drama of this position is beyond description.  Board members get mad at me, get mad at each other, get mad at their neighbors over issues like how long the sprinklers run, whether or not homeowners keep their trashcans out in front of their garage, parking in the street, airsoft guns, four wheelers, guards or no guards, flowers, Christmas decorations, signs, weeds, trees...everything. And some of these frustrations might be legitimate.

Very quickly I realized that I want to be on the HOA board about as much as I want to be on a church board.  Being too close to the machine that makes an organization work is harmful to happiness unless you are called to that position.  I feel called to be neighborly and involved in my neighborhood, but not in a leadership capacity.

The fact that I wrote about this for one of my fifty posts amazes me.  Really?

234 page baby. I cry just writing about it ;-)

My dissertation just waiting the in mailbox for one of my committee members to take home and read.
OSU faculty mail box.

Yes, I began the entire process in 2003 after talking with a friend of mine who suggested I enroll at OSU as a 'special student' and then just segue into the program of my choice.  Not sure that I wanted to pursue a terminal degree (that sounds like a terminal illness), I thought that maybe having another child would be great for my life and our family.  

When I suggested to Jay that I wanted to either have another child or earn my doctorate, he had one word for me: Enroll.  ;-) So, on a beautiful November day in 2002, I made my first drive to Stillwater, and met with Dr. Thomas Warren, Director of the Technical Writing program in the English Department.  He suggested I take Online Documentation in the Spring of 2003, so I tromped over to Whitehurst and applied to the university and graduate college.  That's where it all began.

I took one or two classes each semester, and my learning curve was steep.  The first time I had to make a presentation to the class, I was extremely nervous.  Writing papers sent me around the bend.  By the end of the fall of 2005, I was ABD in my Tech Writing PhD program, and the Spanish proficiency was escaping me.  I took a break from the program for one semester, and by the fall of 2006, I had decided to change gears and move to the College of Education.

That was a match made in heaven because I knew I wanted to stay in Higher Ed, and my tech writing background matched beautifully with my interests in  online learning and instructional technology.  So... in January 2007, just after returning from a wonderful trip to Italy, I began my work in COE.  I took more classes for four semesters and a summer and then I was ready for the dissertation.  

My incredible advisers lead me through my research and writing, and on March 4, 2010, I defended that 234 page baby in the longest defense on record.  Seems everyone was interested in what I had to say about learning to teach online. My diss advisor Skyped in for the defense because her husband was in ICU in Oklahoma City.  Amazing. Blessed.

After sending me out of the conference room during their final discussion, Dr. Harris stepped out and said, "Congratulations, Dr. Case."  I cry just writing about it.  

Peace - Does it outdistance me?

In Hebrew, in English and in Arabic - Go in Peace. I saw this sign (or monument) as I was leaving the Dead Sea in Israel. Peace constantly outdistances Israelis and Palestinians, but as I consider this at a personal level, I realize I can have as much peace as I am committed to working for. I wish I could make a difference in the world towards peace among races, nationalities and religions.

Another blog I kept is one from my January 2011 trip to Israel and Jordan.  The trip was more than I had ever expected -- I thought it would just be "And this is where Moses said...  And Jesus performed a miracle right here... " It was so much more. Spiritual. Cultural. Political. Beautiful.

• And the blog address is: http://theholylandinjanuary.blogspot.com/ 

Stephoni's Tulips

 

These lovely tulips were in the flowerbed under my dining room window. I had about 200 of them blooming like crazy.  Within hours of taking this photo we had a huge (I mean HUGE) wind storm and all that was left were 200 green sticks that used to hold tulip petals. The tulips are beautiful, but the wind makes me want to move to Mississippi.

Lynyrd Skynyrd 2011

One time in a small group, a Bible study no less, and  the leader asked all of us 'ladies' to share something about ourselves that others might not know.  People were sharing stuff like how much they weighed, how much caffeine they consumed, and distaste for domestic duties.  One other person and I were renegades and took a chance on being completely honest.  I was first and I told everyone that they may not realize that I loved rock music. And I listened to it loud in the car whether my kids were there or not. Your basic great guitar, loud beat, kick ass rock and roll.  [I didn't say 'ass' to the group of ladies.]

That said, you have to know that Jay and I have been to some great concerts.  Aerosmith. ZZ Top, REO Speedwagon, Styx.  Back in the day I even went to Black Sabbath and Van Halen. Along with Ted Nugent.  Just to name a few...  I would like to list them all here, but I don't know what you would think. 

My ultimate group is Lynyrd Skynyrd.  I love most of their songs except 'Freebird.'  (I know, everyone else looooves Freebird, but I think only the guitar and piano are worth listening to on that one.) I like their sound and their instrumentals.  I like it all. Every person should start their day listening to 'Sweet Home Alabama.'  You can imagine my delight when in the summer of 2011 I finally got to hear the youngest VanZant and Ricky Metlock sing at the Zoo Amphitheater.   Oh my stars.  They were fabulous.  And my joy is completely obvious in the photo our DINK concert neighbors took of us just before the drunk senior citizen fell on us all.

Trash art

It is clear to me (and probably others) that I have a unique sense of beauty.  I do love art - particularly European art, and I think I have an eye for beauty in many things.  This scene, in a movie theater bathroom, was beautiful to me.  The balance of the paper towels atop the trash can was just too impressive to pass up.  I thought that only four stragglers on the floor was impressive; many, many hand washers had carefully placed their paper towels on top of each other.  The trash can is the center of the photo, but the asymmetrical symmetry of the dispensers, and the austere cleanliness of the tile added up to bathroom beauty, in my opinion.

Brownies and Bacon for Dinner

Eating healthy is great, and most of the time I do eat very healthy. I don't know why I do this because the rest of my family has a tragic and unhealthy diet. At the rate they are going, I will outlive them all. So sometimes I just eat brownies or bacon or peanut butter fudge ice cream for dinner. And it is wonderful.

Status is relative...

Or when you have to scale down. Or when you don't have the money for something.  I have observed, and it has been my experience, that no matter what I have by way of a home or vehicles or jewelry or family or  money in the bank -- there are always people who (1) have less than I do and (2) people who have more than I do. Maybe I have just built my first new home, and I feel like it's just the nicest home around; then I find out a friend I don't see very often has just build a home that's twice the value of mine in a more exclusive neighborhood. Or maybe it seems like everyone drives nicer, newer cars than we do.  And maybe we have money in the bank. No matter what you have, it's easy to feel blessed or smug when you have more than others that you are watching.  It's also easy to feel resentful or jealous of another group that has more than you have.

So, my point is this: Be a little bit self-centered and keep your eyes on yourself.  Your own home, your own vehicles, your own jewelry, your own family and your own money in the bank. Your own kids and their lives. Embrace your life and your blessings. Embrace yourself.  Work on your own stuff and try really hard not to even think about other people and their stuff.  I have found that I have a lot more happiness when I see the good in what I am and what I do have.  Kind of a 'count your blessings' theory.  I like that theory - there is peace in it.

You is kind, You is smart, You is important

As Abilene taught Mae Mobley this truth, millions of readers and viewers of The Help absorbed the truth with tears of happiness and tears of sadness.  The tears of sadness were because Mae Mobley's own mother was indifferent to the value of her daughter.  The tears of happiness were because Abilene valued the life and spirit of Mae Mobley and shared that value each morning as she had the little girl repeat those words.

I want to repeat those words to myself each day.  I would like to remind myself that I do have a warm and gracious heart for others.  And I really do need to remind myself that I am smart and can think and figure things out pretty darn good.  And I have to admit that I want to know that I am important.  I'd like to be important to other people.

Value.

Change & Phrases I am sick of...

...if you will
....moving forward
...I am the kind of person
...quite frankly
...very moral
...change

These phrases are used by all kinds of people in my life, and mostly the phrases just irritate me.  As I look over the list, it does seem as if they have a patronizing sheen to them.  When a financial advisor keeps saying to me and Jay, "Consider this scenario, if you will." Or when politicians repeatedly state, "We are moving forward," I translate that to mean "We are now doing what I want to do -- and of course it's right, and I am leaving you in the dust of your incorrect thoughts and philosophies."

Sometimes I hear people say, "I am the kind of person who likes to be open and honest." I really don't believe that but that's another posting.  Don't tell me the kind of person you are -- let me figure that out.  I can think.  I can get to know you, and I can decide for myself what kind of person you are.  If I want to know, I'll ask. [BTW - chances are I'll like you.]

Quite frankly is, quite frankly, annoying.  Makes me think of MASH and Frank Burns.

Very moral is like being very pregnant.  Either you are moral/pregnant or you are not.  I am not sure you can ride the line on either issue.

The word 'change' upsets me also.  Obama ran on a platform of Change.  There are groups out there -  Chance to Change. We sing Christian worship songs, "Change my heart, oh God." In my understanding of the word 'change' - it can be positive or negative.  Good or bad.  Every time I hear the word change used, I bristle and think that the word 'change' isn't not specific enough.  I want a word for change that connotes 'change for the better' and another word for 'change' that connotes 'change for the worse.' What if my heart is just fine the way it is?

Of course, what I am realizing is that I need to accept the fact that in American English, 'change' has evolved into a word that indicates a maneuver for good.  When all these folks say change, think change, and sing change, they really do mean to move forward to a better way.  I need to lighten up and accept this change about change. ;-)

What do you expect to happen?

When I think about the ways we talk to others sometimes, I often consider the 'outcomes' I expect. Behavior modification might be the basis of some communication.

So... If I tear into someone (my kid, a driver, someone I work with) what do I expect them say? How do I expect them to respond?

Consider these scenarios:

• Mother to her son: "What are you thinking? What kind of crazy/stupid/bonehead decision was that?    He is going to say, "Thank you, Mom, for helping me realize I need to make a different decision and be a better person. I will go to college and will manage my time to where I can study 3 - 4 hours per day."
• Driver to other drivers: "Idiots!" The bird. Other drivers are going to hear or see your anger and think to themselves, "That was really inconsiderate on my part.  I need to speed up, use a signal, get out of the left lane and yield to all other drivers so that traffic will flow more smoothly."
• Sister to her brother: "I am sick of you. How would you like me to kick you in the face?" And the brother says to her, "I don't want you to be sick of me.  I want to be a good brother so that we can have a great relationship, and so you won't kick me in the face. That would hurt, and I really do love you."

So I am being open and direct here.  When you want something from another individual, first think about IF that person can even give you what you are wanting.  THEN think about how you could communicate with him or her to get what you think should be delivered.  Is that being manipulative?  Maybe, but it's also being a good communicator and thinking about how to get the desired outcome.  Hopefully the desired outcome is honorable and in the best interest of humankind.  If it's not then maybe I/you/everyone should just not say anything.

On Loss. (Read this one a couple of times and slowly.)

"If some lives form a perfect circle, others take shape in ways we cannot predict or always understand. Loss has been part of my journey, but it has also shown me what is precious. So has a love for which I can only be grateful." 


~from Message in a Bottle


My life has taken shape in unpredictable ways, and I certainly don't understand much of it.  And loss (or confusion or hurt) have been part of that journey and have distilled what is precious and dear to me.  Yes, I am grateful.

I love my tattoo but I won't get another one.

April 26, 2008.

The day after my last doc class, I commemorated the accomplishment with a tattoo.  Actually, I wanted a tattoo long before it was cool to get one, and it was 20 years before I received Jay's blessing on the event.  It took me forever to decide on the pattern and the color and the artist... but I had not one bit of preparation for the 17 minutes of PAIN I would endure to have this become a permanent part of my self.  It was worth it, and I would do it again.  

I drink and swear too much to be on the church board

I knew that title would get your attention! LOL. It's true though.  Since drinking and swearing are important issues to some, I know that leading our wonderful church by being on the board could be a disaster. The intensity of my heart is to reach others with the gentleness and comfort of God's sweet love, So I opted to let others enjoy serving on the board while I lived and served in reality.

The best way I heard this philosophy expressed was in a sermon at this same church.  The title was: Will I choose LOVE or LAW ?  The law worries and frets about details of habit or of culture, and the law really enjoys focusing on consequences.  Oh yes, the consequences.

Love focuses on relationship with Christ.  The kind of relationship that is a quiet place of security and exchange.

Yes, I choose Love.

I love clocks... What does that mean?

I really think that it means I love beauty with a function.  Clocks have unique characteristics.  Some are very ornate, some are simple and essential and contemporary in design.  I have seen little lady-like clocks made of porcelain with flowers painted on, and I have seen Big Ben looming over London with its large black hands and the gilded numerals.

I have at least one clock in every room of my home.  Not just the digital clock on the bedside table or the kitchen microwave, but an analog clock that might even chime.  I have a grandfather clock in the living room, and a quartz clock set in a Waterford crystal column on my dressing table.  Just to name two.  And I can't leave out the clock I bought in memory of Mimi and PawPaw. It sits on my kitchen counter by the beautiful plate and our family money drawer. And the grandmother clock in my study. They are beautiful and they tell me the time of day.

So maybe that's why I love clocks.

Life Verse

Psalm 63:7


"Because You, oh Lord, are my help, I will sing beneath the shadow of your wings.


At every level
Every day
This scripture captures what I need to know.


One more --

Deuteronomy 31:8

The LORD is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.

When Bad Things Happen To Good People

I have read this book  -- parts of it I have read 2 or 3 times.  Here's an excerpt from the very end of Chapter 3:

• Residual chaos, chance and mischance, things happening for no reason, will continue to be with us...we will simply have to learn to live with it, sustained and comforted by the knowledge that the earthquake and the accident, like the murder and the robbery, are not the will of God, but represent that aspect of reality which stands independent of His will, and which angers and saddens God even as it angers and saddens us.
• The psalmist writes, "I lift mine eyes to the hills; from where does my help come?  My help comes from the Lord, maker of Heaven and earth." Psalm 121:1-2.  He does not say, "My pain comes from the Lord," or "My tragedy comes from the Lord."  He says, "My help comes from the Lord."

Favorite Words

Yes, I have favorite words.  Words are my thing.  If I am ever in a conversation with someone and they are hesitating or searching for the word, I will usually offer a suggestion.  Usually others take the word I put out there because it's just the right word.  It's my gift.

1. diminish - I won't diminish her value...
2. supper - This word just sounds more friendly than dinner.
3. done - This word rarely happens in my life, but I still like it
4. Sense of Place - Eudora Welty initiated this idea in literature as she offered reasons for connections people had with the South
5. emerge - As in 'what emerged from the data' or ' what emerges from that exchange'
6. champion (used as a verb)
7. celebrated (used as an adjective) 

Child of God

Of all my titles - mom, wife, daughter, friend, doctor, teacher, sister - the title that makes all other titles possible is 'Child of God.'  I read this in the acknowledgments of Susan's dissertation, and I only had to read it once to have it seared on my heart.

I need the Lord, and being His child is the basis of my continued existence.

Give What You Would like to Receive

When I want to people to listen to me... I will listen to them.
When I want kindness and affection... I will be kind and affectionate.
When I want smiles and laughter... I will smile and laugh.
When I want gifts...I will give gifts.
When I want mercy...I will give mercy.
When I want forgiveness...I will give forgiveness.

(There is a theme here.)

I can be right or I can be happy

No truer words.

Think about this.  If you are right and you insist that everyone know that you are right, you will live a life of misery.  Everyone else is driving incorrectly.  Everyone else is not thinking clearly or functioning efficiently.  Everyone else is completely thoughtless.  Everyone else is in your way -- is in everyone's way. Everyone else needs to vote This Way.  Everyone else needs to hear this story. Go to this church. Read this book. Eat this food.  Get this job.... Being the only one who is right is a sad state of existence.

So choose 'Happy Instead.'  The line is moving slow. So what.  That person just used her cell phone in public and spoke loudly.  Big deal.  That taxi driver might be late getting me to the airport. Okay. The coffee at that restaurant sucks.  Then bring your own.  No one else washes the car, and the parking lot is always packed. That relative makes terrible decisions. Those children are making noise.

Happy Instead is much better than being right and irritable.  Certainly better than being self-righteous. It would be a lot easier for me to live by this if my kids kept their rooms clean.

Nearly Losing a Child

On February 20, 1009, I was sitting in Jan Chafey's living room talking with her about a job interview I had scheduled for the next week.  Jay reached me on my cell phone and told me in a shaken voice told me that Scott had been in an accident with a horse and that he was being taken to the emergency room.  In the final moments of training a horse, the animal rared up and lost his balance. Scott managed to get out of the way of the saddle horn, but he was caught under the animal.  A girl and two boy scouts were able to robe the legs of the horse because it was in shock.  Then the boys lifted the legs while the girl dragged Scott out. He thought he had just really strained his back.I wish...

I met them at Deaconess and it was awful to see my son on his hands and knees to try to relieve the pain.  Since he didn't go in an ambulance, he had to wait in the waiting room for 2 hours. I will never return to Deaconess.  Once he was taken back, the crew realized the severity of his injuries. X-rays indicated that he had a broken back and punctured lung and damaged nerves in his leg. They made me leave his side when they inserted the chest tube because of his screams.

I held together strong until that moment when they put him in the ambulance to take him to OU Trauma Center. The siren screeched on and I let out a sob and could not stop crying.  He reached his right hand over his head and with his eyes closed told me he was going to be okay. It was 2 a.m. He had barely escaped with his life.  Two days later he would have back surgery that included 6 rods and 12 screws.

Getting fired at 47

Losing my job at a private Christian university after 18 years of service was the most emotionally devastating experience of my life.  I was committed to the university -- to the students, to the integration of faith and learning, the the lifestyle commitment, to other faculty and to teaching writing with my whole heart.  I didn't just teach Comp and Tech Writing.  I studied the craft of teaching writing.  I learned and practiced how to engage students in the process and help them develop their writing skills.  I think I was pretty good.

However, I had been officially full-time only three years, even though I had taught a full load many years prior. When this non-tenure granting institution decided to reposition itself - I was one of four full timers who did not receive a contract for the following year.  Or in other words, I was fired.  

Devastated doesn't begin to describe my feelings. Walking to 'the meeting' in the library, driving home, the hammer of my heart as I struggled . .  are resounding memories.  The pitiful looks from former colleagues as they watched me navigate that gauntlet is something I would like to be able to forget. But I can't.  I made it home and went straight to bed.  Jay came home from work early. I cried and sobbed.  My children were very compassionate.  

It would take many many paragraphs to detail the weeks and months following this event, but to say that the reasoning and the actions taken by the university were absolute crap is the gentlest comment I can make.  Now, two years following this massive repositioning, the university is in no better position than it was in the spring of 2009.  No better off.  

The good news? Yes there is good news!  I am in a much much better position than I was as an employee of that institution. Professionally, personally and financially better. Hurt like hell, but ultimately they did me a favor. I am thankful I can now say I wish the best for that institution and for my dear friends that remain there. God bless them all. It took a while to achieve this peace.  

On Learning

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 2009

On learning...

It's a train trip with no destination.  I never arrive anywhere -- just take another turn in the road/path/tracks.  One of my conflicts in being a teacher is that I feel like it's presumptuous of me to 'teach' -- the very word implies that I have knowledge that I should impart to others, so they can be knowledgeable too.  

I find that I am always learning so much....learning about information, history, culture, government. Learning about accepting others, learning about thinking, learning about what's precious, learning how to listen, how to communicate. I have so much more to learn.

I wrote this note about learning in a journal blog two years ago. Interesting that I had already decided to post about it in my 50th birthday blog.  

LEARN. The word that summarizes my work right now and my goals. I have lots of subjects and issues I am curious about. I am also trying to learn more about how I am. And I am learning about how students learn.  That's a biggie.

So, as I talk to my Ed Tech class at OSU, I preach my Learn sermon.  And that sermon basically tells them that their #1 objective in every moment of every day is for their students to learn. Stake a claim in academia, note the objective and then -- make all events of the day lead to learning.  If teachers can keep their objectives in focus, their students will learn so much.  And so will the teacher ;-)


Also, it's okay for teachers to learn from their students. And it's okay for students to know 'more' than their teacher. For me, that is when my best learning has occurred.

Rejection by someone you love(d)

I have been divorced for 22 years.  It's been so long since I divorced, that I hardly think about it any more.  But during the declining years of my first marriage and the first several years following the divorce,  I struggled with guilt and shame for failing to maintain the commitment I had pledged. About three years after the divorce, I was reading in the Old Testament about how Moses was the judge of all the issues the Israelites brought to him.  It grew to be too much for him to manage the entire judicial system of Israel, so he set up smaller 'courts' for other judges to manage.  But special cases were taken to Moses for ruling. 

   

There are several external factors that lead to the divorce, but in my heart I felt rejected.  Ultimately rejected. And now as I reflect back on that marriage, I never felt the level of love and acceptance and confidence that I have in the marriage I share with Jay.  My hope and prayer is that my children will benefit from growing up in this positive family and that - if they marry -- they will be part of successful and happy marriages themselves.  

As I thought through my divorce, I found comfort in considering that while fundamentalists expected me to stay in that marriage regardless of the 'external circumstances,' God had heard my special case and He understood. Even though it still felt tragic, I also felt absolved.

Ireland -- Mississippi on the east side of the Atlantic

In 2008 we took a dream trip to Ireland.  And I loved it as much as I thought I would.  The people, the landscape, the food, the music and the B&Bs.

I did, in fact, keep a travel blog to Ireland also.

• http://irelandinmay.blogspot.com/ 

OSU & The Center for School Business Management. A fresh start with a great place.

Just a few hours before I defended my dissertation, the chair of the School of Educational Studies called and offered me the job I had been trying to get for three months! Program Manager for OCSBM. A custom fit for me, and I am thankful every day that my advisory board and the people at OSU took a chance on me and brought be me on to continue with the professional development training for school business officials across the State of Oklahoma. My new friends and associations are incredible ;-)

I produce 14 workshops a year (like 14 weddings) on all topics related to the finance and business side of public education.  I get to work with people at the State Department of Education, education leaders around the state, all Oklahoma school districts, and Ed Leadership people at OSU.

And because of my research interests, I have been asked to teach various courses at OSU each semester.  Online Pedagogy and School Finance for grad students.  Ed Tech for undergrads.  

Being part of a huge institution and contributing to the big picture of education in the state is an enormous honor and blessing for me.  I could not have anticipated this twist in my life, but I am so very thankful. And much to the dismay of my sons, I loooove OSU. Go Pokes!!

Mother said #2: RESPECT

My mom always said, 'You may not love me, but you will respect me.'  The same great advice was shared from Chuck Swindoll.

Now I love this thing my mom said when it's related to raising children and teaching them obedience. Chuck and my mom were right on track. Our kids do learn by accountability.

This nugget of advice changes color a little bit when dealing with adults.  One adult can't force another adult's respect. They may think they are forcing respect but they are really forcing fear.

As adults, the best way to get respect is to HAVE respect for yourself. Respect your own thought and your own feelings. Respect your opinion and your strengths. Respect your right and the joy of being your unique self!

Mother Said #1: TALKING ABOUT OTHERS

My mom always said 'If you can't say something nice about someone, then don't say anything at all.'

But sometimes I might just be itching to say something mean and nasty about someone.  Especially if it makes me appear even more perfect.  Or if it hurts the reputation of person I am about to say something about. If that person had hurt me or upset me, then it's very tempting to use words as sticks and stones.

I wonder if many conversations wouldn't lag tremendously if everyone lived by what my mother said.

The Pope Defines Christianity best (in my opinion)

May we celebrate his life by living as he taught.  ~ The Pope on Christmas Eve 2010

I believe this defines Christianity. 
May - intimates that we choose.  We choose how we will live, how we will relate to Christ and to others.
We - All. Everyone.  Anyone.  One in the bond of love... It's collaborative
Celebrate - Enjoy. Show joy. Say something.  Smile.  "Before the rocks cry out, I just have to praise Him."  Why?  I don't know.  I don't understand that magnet of interest that lead me to commitment to Christ.  But even though I don't understand it, it does indeed exist.
His life. The person.  The Savior.  His life on earth.  His life in our hearts. His entry.
By Living. By living.  Even the Pope suggests we live.  LIVE.  Christians are not dead.  They are not quiet.  They are not cold.  Christians are living, breathing, happy, sad, vibrant creations.  Saved.
As. Just like.  2000+ years ago but the lessons, the theology, the relationships are all still available to me.  And to you.
He. Yes, the Bible always refers to Christ as male.  The God-man was male.  Whether or not the heavenly God or the Holy Spirit are male, I don't know and I don't care.  I do care that He exists and is willing to embrace me. Body, mind and spirit.
Taught. Jesus is my teacher. My rabbi.  His pedagogy works in my life.  "Be still and know that I am God."

I am afraid to fly so I write letters

Writing letters to travel by.  My fear of flying started when I had kids and realized life was incredibly fragile. And I don't understand how flying works for birds or planes.  I 'crashed' on the flying issue when I was flying back from Birmingham one January and my plane was on the tarmac for two hours.  There was a blinding snow and ice storm at DFW, and the pilot was having the plane de-iced while waiting to take off.  During all of this wait, the battery of the plane died, and the pilot made some kind of announcement like, "We'll charge this battery back up and try to take off."  Oh holy cow.  I started to cry and then I couldn't stop.  The flight attendant let me off the plane and I took a train back to OKC.

Interestingly enough, that flight was canceled two hours later, and I was well on my way to OKC while the others were stuck in Dallas.  After that, I took medicine to fly so that I wouldn't lose control again -- in fact, I just slept.  The pills were cheaper and neater than drinking my way from one hub to another.

As time has gone on and I am flying more for business, I am doing better.  I take medicine less and less, and I figure that if the plane goes down, the world will continue on.  My kids are old enough to be okay, but I still want to be that voice in their heads.  I always tell Jay that I will haunt him when I am gone ;-)

Another coping strategy has been to write letters (long ones) to each of my kids before I leave for one of my trips. This gives me opportunity to impart my last words of wisdom and love to them, and it's very comforting.  When I get over my fear of flying, I'll have to think of another excuse to write these letters because they are so  precious to me.  I love to think about each one of them and write my heart to them.

On one of my trips, I spoke with Scott right before I left and told him the letters were in the utility room by the laundry detergent.  He said, "Now do we read them when you leave or just if you die?"  Kids are perfect.

Trust

Trust is the fruit of a relationship in which you know you are loved. Because you do not know that I love you, you cannot trust me. ~ the Holy Spirit in The Shack

Giving Value to Others

I hope it's not too self-serving to write about this, but I kinda think giving value to others may be my talent.  I would still love to be an awesome musician or a famous writer or even a leader of sorts, but those talents may not ever materialize for me.   My talent or gift of giving value to others is something I feel deep down inside, and I love this.  Jay always says I would invite Attila the Hun for dinner, and he might be right. Giving value to others and making them feel important and accepted is not such high-profile talent, but I like that I see the good and the value in almost everyone.  I see their hearts and their intentions and their vulnerabilities.  I really like to make sure others feel that sense of value -- it makes them happier and makes the world a better place.  

Bugs in the Quiche

Dedicated to Heather and Todd

I have told this story a few times -- but not until several years had passed after the event.  It's one of my favorites. I invited Todd and Heather over for dinner in the fall of '93. It was a busy week day, and I had a baby in tow, so at the last minute I was putting a quiche in the oven and hoping I had enough stuff for a salad.  Well, I came to the part where I needed to add nutmeg to the egg mixture, and I was out of nutmeg. (How could that happen?)  From the recesses of my mind, I recalled an old spice rack that I had received as a gift in 1981. It was in the bottom of the drawer under my oven.  I uncovered that spice rack and sure enough, there was a bottle of nutmeg!

I opened the little plastic lid that was supposed to look like wood, ripped off the seal that was on the top and dumped a tablespoon of the spice into my mixture.  Only problem was that over the years some little tiny bugs had lived and died in this bottle of nutmeg.  And now little tiny bug body shells were in my quiche mixture, and I had company company arriving in less than an hour. What should I do?

Well, I quickly skimmed out as many bug shells as I could, I stirred the mixture thoroughly and poured it into the pie shell and baked it. And we had it for dinner. Everyone said it was delicious.

I decided that since I was willing to eat quiche with bugs in it that it would be okay to serve it to my guests.  We have all lived happy and healthy lives since.

My Italy Blog - here's the link

In January 2007, right before I began doc work in the College of Education, I took a trip to Italy.  It was the first time I ever kept a travel blog, and I was hooked!  Since that trip, my blogging expertise has grown, and I have blogged via email and text messaging.  It's wonderful.

• Wanna take a look at my Italy blog?  Here it is: http://stephonitaly.blogspot.com/

Jars on the counter. Count every one.

Summer of 2011. Jay and I took an entire day and canned 37 jars of salsa, plum jam, cherry jam and strawberry jam.  

When I would talk to my mimi on the phone - she lived in Mississippi and I lived in Oklahoma/California/Texas, and she would always tell me what she accomplished that day.  She kept track of how many pages she had read, how many bags of leaves she had raked and how many flowers she had distributed to the nursing homes. During the summer months, I loved hearing that she put up two dozen quarts of green beans or a dozen jars of muscadine jelly.

I am not sure if I inherited my mimi's production tendencies or if I learned them from her, but there is something to what I call the 'jars on the counter' philosophy.  I think some of us really like to get something done and we like to be able to count what we have done.  We want to measure -- to quantify our accomplishments.  (Be honest -- have you ever written something on your list that you have already done just so you could mark it out?!)  There is something in me that wants to be productive.

Life is art. They said so in Ireland. And Just Say 'NO' to Paperclips

A goal I am completely committed to: I will never buy another paper clip.  And probably no one needs to buy another paper clip. Ever.  I don't want to be responsible for paper clip factory workers losing their jobs, but since we are using less and less paper and since I see paper clips cluttering workspaces and distracting my attention... I must say that paper clips should be discontinued. 

Walking alone

A soul that sees beauty may sometimes walk alone. ~Johan Von Goeth

And I may not walk every path alone, but I take comfort in the idea that walking some paths alone is right and good.